Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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