Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
