I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
