Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So many bounce houses so little time
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
