apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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