i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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