my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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