if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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