he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
