Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
