I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
