at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
