Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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