Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
