I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
