He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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