i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you would pick up someone in the library
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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