its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
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I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
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not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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