Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
