'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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