i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
