Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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