the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
