I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
