hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out