he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
