she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
