It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
