Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
