so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
