Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
