Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
