the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
