its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
