There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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