Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
