im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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