Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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