the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
bring money and cleavage
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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