so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
