My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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