24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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