I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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