I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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