Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
