i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
