My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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