he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
