just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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