i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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