so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm experimenting with sincerity
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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