Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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