My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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