wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Randomize
